dir. Neill Blomkamp

Published in: Theaker's Quarterly 45 (Autumn 2013)

Pages: 76-80.

Editors: Stephen Theaker & John Greenwood

Publisher: Silver Age Books

ISBN: 978-0-9561533-8-8 (Print)


Also known as:

Braai, Braai, Beneath American Skies, Took the Show Bird out of Joburg, now that Show Bird won't Fly

Stimulus Response:

I am occasionally accused of being unfair (or at least, unkind) to Matt Damon in my arboreal criticisms of him as an actor. Every time I see him on screen, in fact. But look, I say in response. I'm sure he can take it. We're talking about the highest paid actor ever to not quite graduate from the School of Performing Street Statues. This is a person who earns insane amounts of money for impersonating a tree. See? Check out the paunch. That's another ring on the trunk. And besides, what are a few biting words to someone whose countenance could host a backbench of owls? My wife is a Matt Damon fan; but of course her powers of discernment must be called into question given her trick candle contention (it keeps reigniting no matter how many times evidence snuffs it out) that Keanu Reeves, as a successful actor, must ergo be possessed of above-average intelligence and not, as one might more reasonably conclude, just a frightfully clever agent. That's not fair, she accuses, whenever I swing George of the Jungle -style through a review and find myself -- with painful inevitability -- crashing into the craggy face of Matt Damon's latest on-screen persona. You're just Damon-bashing! To which I reply, Well, in as much as I'm drawn to his immobility, perhaps. Like sloth-boiling, which really is cruel. But Damon-bashing? Hardly! Even Bruce Lee would do himself an injury trying to punch through that performance


  - random selection from the unpublished memoire, Freefall